


Sparks on The Wind

by Evilsforreals



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Shingeki no Kyojin Chapter 138: A Long Dream Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-23 23:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30063417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilsforreals/pseuds/Evilsforreals
Summary: Reflection at the end of all things
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Connie Springer
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. Sparks on the Wind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ispyque and liiionor and vesuvian](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ispyque+and+liiionor+and+vesuvian).



The gas was warm against Connie’s skin, with a scent reminiscent of lemons. It swirled around him, a cloying mist that foreshadowed the end. Connie had always imagined that death would come loud and sharp, pain blossoming and ending almost as soon as it had begun. Not a subtle scent that lingered, begetting a fate worse than death itself.

Falco’s Titan must have been a mile away at this point, but he could still hear the sobs and cries of his friends clinging to the Titan’s back. There had been no time for hugs or platitudes; the shrill sounds tearing from their throats the only way they could convey their love and grief as they approached Eren’s Titan form.

“Looks like...we’re entrusting the rest to them.”

Jean’s voice carried the slightest tremble as he did his best to speak matter-of-factly. Connie tore his gaze away from the Titans to simply stare at Jean. His posture was stiff and unrelenting; a testament of the arduous training and fortitude he had learned and exuded throughout the years. But those soft brown eyes; they told a different story of pain, confusion, and quiet acceptance. Connie marveled at the man by his side.

“It’s the end for us.” He hated the way his voice squeaked as he answered. Jean nodded his head slightly, the only indication that he had registered Connie’s statement.

“I’m sorry.” Jean whispered, a pallor of sadness weighing on those two words.

Connie simply looked at him, willing a smile to appear on his face; to grant a moment of comfort and relief to Jean. “Sorry for what?”

Jean’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, a look of regret spreading across his face as he gazed back Connie. “I never...I never asked you about Ragako. About your family and-and how you felt...and-and that wasn’t fair to you. You’ve suffered….so much in all of this.”

Connie could feel his own tears begin to trickle down his cheeks, pooling on his cracked lips; salty and sour on his tongue. He finally managed a grim smile. “We’ve all suffered in our own ways, Jean. All we can do is keep going.”

Jean wordlessly threw an arm over Connie’s shoulder. The weight of it was comforting, and Connie reciprocated, the two men connected to one another, as something...something final loomed just ahead.

“I think it was better for them. My family, I mean,” Connie murmured his words racing to make sense; a sense of finality drawing the words out faster and faster. “They didn’t know and it just….happened. I think knowing...knowing what’s coming is worse.”

“What’s your favorite food?”

The question was so abrupt and random. Connie gave a shaky laugh, disarmed by the question, and managed to arch an eyebrow at the brunette. “You sound like Sasha right now.”

Jean managed a weak chuckle but tightening his grip on Connie's shoulder. “Just answer the question, dumbass.”

There was a low rumbling at the outskirts of the fort as Connie took a moment to ponder. “My mom always made this chicken pot pie-”

“-then it’s a date after this. Dinner at my house with my mom; chicken pot pie and omelets. 7pm. You free?”

For a brief moment, Connie felt like he saw Sasha crouched next to Jean, a bright smile playing on her round face. Just for a split second and then it was gone; but not really gone. Sasha was there...a part of her at least...in Jean. He could see the best qualities of her reflected in Jean’s eyes.

He was tired, but he couldn’t help but laugh. At the absurdity. At the timing, at the heart of a soldier who he would’ve gladly laid his life down for. He let his head fall to rest on Jean’s shoulder. He placed a soft kiss onto Jean's cheek. “It’s a date then.”

  
  


_ Jean was a spark; a sharp pinpoint of determination that staunchly pushed back the darkness, and stood steadfast against despair. He was the progenitor of hope, an instant of pure concentrated will that could ignite all around him and instill courage and determination to all he touched. _

____________________________________

Jean knew what was happening. He had seen the shock and horror in Mikasa’s eyes, the pain and sorrow in Levi’s as they had departed, a gust of air and pressure and they were gone, sailing in the light of the setting sun; above the choking mist.

Jean’s thoughts swam in his head; desperate for a solution to an unsolvable question. An image of his mother wavered in the back of his mind. Who would look after her?

“Looks like we’re entrusting the rest to them,” he said, the words pulling off of his tongue reluctantly, his skin numb, the pounding of his heart filling his ears, spilling into his veins, a staccato rhythm of terror.

“It’s the end for us.”

Jean swung his head at the words spoken so plainly, as if seeing Connie for the first time in years. His dusty face was already marred with tears, cutting dark swaths through the grime, but his sharp eyes were locked onto Jean, his friend. 

Jean’s heart broke; staring at this man trying to hold composure, this man who had endured horrors that he couldn’t even comprehend. To face this end, with no one waiting for him, no one to remember him, and to face it with such...candor.

It had been Connie that had held onto his childlike innocence for longer than any other of the 104th. Just being around him was guaranteed to draw a smile, however reluctantly from the staunchest of soldiers. Through loss and betrayal, he had never given up on those he cared for, his heart pinned to his sleeve, a badge of the highest honor.

Jean stuttered, trying to think of anything to say, anything that could offer a fraction of the comfort Connie had imparted to him across the years. “I’m sorry.”

Connie’s eyes raised in question. “For what?”

Jean had remembered Connie’s glazed amber eyes that day, when he had collapsed after stumbling from the meeting room, murmuring the names of his family to no one in particular. No words of comfort would come to Jean, so he had merely wrapped the smaller man in his cloak and held him for the night, softly tracing patterns into his back.

“I never...I never asked you about Ragako. About your family and-and that wasn’t fair to you. You’ve suffered….so much in all of this.”

Connie gave a slight shake to his head, eyes warm. “We’ve all suffered in our own ways Jean. All we can do is keep going.”

Jean gritted his teeth, and reached out to place an arm around Connie’s shoulder. He could feel the trembling in the smaller man, even as he looked to inspire Jean. That was so  **like** Connie. Always looking to build up others, even at the expense of himself; A pitcher of water, constantly pouring itself out amongst a sea of cups, leaving none for itself.

He heard a scream in the distance, a high pitch squeal slowly morphing into a guttural titan roar. He could feel Connie tense like a coiled spring as he placed an arm around Jean. How long ago had it been when this recruit had to stand on tip-toe to reach Jean’s head. How he had grown; not just physically but mentally.

“I think it was better for them. My family, I mean. They didn’t know and it just….happened. I think knowing...knowing what’s coming is worse.” Connie stuttered, a twinge of fear in the back of each word-

_ No _

A small voice, clear and sharp pierced the jumble of chaos in Jean’s mind. No. He would not let the last moments of this man he adored be spent dwelling on pain.

“What’s...what’s your favorite food?”

The words felt like they silenced the world. All was quiet, as Connie blinked in momentary confusion. He then snorted, a shadow of his playful self bubbling to the surface. “You  _ *hic* _ you sound like Sasha right now.”

A swelling in his chest of pure affection; to be able to go back to the days of playful bantering between friends. “Just-just answer the question dumbass.”

There was another roar-closer this time, but Connie was lost in momentary thought. “You know, my mom used to make this chicken pot pie-”

“Then it’s a date. After this.” The words left Jean’s mouth before he even realized it; he had to ask, to see before the end...if just for a moment to have something to look forward to- “Dinner...at my house with my mom; chicken pot pie….and omelettes. 7pm...you free?”

That single moment seemed to drag on for a small eternity, before Connie let his head fall on Jean’s shoulder as he laughed. He laughed just like Marco; for a moment Jean could’ve sworn he saw a handful of freckles sparkle on Connie’s face, his eyes shut, a genuine laugh springing from his throat. A laugh of gratitude, of kindness; a laugh worth living for.

Before he could react, he felt soft lips gently press into his cheek. “It’s a date then.”

_ Connie was the wind; all-encompassing and always near, that subtle push to set any plan in motion. A low song murmured through the glades and swept beyond the mountains into the stars above. A simple unapologetic love that surrounded all; not always seen, but always, ALWAYS felt. _

____________________________________

The roars surrounded them, twisting bodies morphing and expanding all around. Still they clung to one another, a final moment of bliss, of gratitude, of love.

“‘Member th’ graduation ceremony?” Connie’s voice was deeper somehow, his words slurring slightly. Their eyes firmly clamped shut, preserving a final vision of one another.

“Y-yeah,” Jean’s answer came out partly as a growl. The arms around one another's shoulders twitching, steaming, growing-

“We ‘nded up savinnnn the world-cus o you.” The words were hard to distinguish now, splotches of dark red swirling around the corners of their vision.

“Naw no t me,” Jean roared, watching a pinpoint of crimson light expanding in his vision, absorbing everything as it came closer. “Be-becaus off you...”

_ A spark on its own will crash in on itself, the shadow of a star, collapsing in on its own weight. There one moment, and gone the next _

_ The wind on its own will blow with no direction, spreading itself thin, filling all the corners of the earth, and forgotten the moment it passes. _

_ Together they are flame, a culmination of love and hope; each reliant on the other in a synergy beyond comprehension. Their light shines brighter than the sun and stars; their warmth reaches every corner of the earth. A single note, final and unwavering; the anthem of life. _

  
  


____________________________________

Miles away, blissfully unaware, Mrs. Kirchstein finished wiping off the table counter. She paused for a moment, surveying the quiet kitchen. It had been so quiet as of late. She gently pushed the window open, letting a gust of fresh air fill the room. Her hand unconsciously drifted over to a small picture frame and she gently picked it up, caressing it in her worn hands.

The picture was faded and blistering at the edges, held inside by a simple brass frame. A group of ten cadets stood in a line. A much younger Jean stood near the middle of the line, eyes shut with a wide cheeky grin on his face. A small boy with a buzzcut had a hand on his shoulder, mouth open in a frozen gleeful shout. Mrs. Kirchstein gazed fondly at the picture. She sniffed, and wrinkled her nose. She had caught the barest whiff of smoke; subtle but heady. 

Somewhere, a flame had just gone out.


	2. In-Between

It was hot... _ so  _ hot. Unlike any type of heat experienced in life; it sat heavy, a blanket of stifling intensity uniform in its existence. Not a heat born of the stars or the heavens; it evaporated thought and memory, leaving only suffocating pain.

It could have been five seconds, or five lifetimes. Eons of painful, silenced existence. Senses both dulled and sharpened simultaneously. The sounds of battle muffled; echoing from an insurmountable distance. Screams and roars, intertwined with the sound of heavy blunt attacks and rumbling earth.

  
  


In the midst of this boiling void, a single pane of glass began to form; an unassuming contrast to the rest of this nightmare.

Connie blinked. The first moment of vision in what had felt like a lifetime. He didn’t know where he was, or  _ who  _ he was. But he felt drawn to the glass. He willed himself towards it, begging his consciousness, his body, to obey and move. Slowly, ever so slowly, he began to move through the darkness, drawing closer to the mirror.

The dusted surface itself was cracked, splitting fine silvery lines into a web of shining fragments each carrying a different reflection of him. Connie reached out through the boiling air, and rested his calloused fingers on the surface-

_ A child with sharp grey eyes sprinted across a sun-filled meadow. He was beckoning, calling out to his younger siblings, as they rushed to catch up to him, bright smiles and wide eyes. _

_ A soldier stood in attendance amongst a sea of stone faces, his fist curling into a solemn salute; a pledge to defend, a promise to fight. _

_ A victim knelt in the ashes of his home, tear-filled eyes meeting his mothers gaze. A hand weighing on his shoulder, the hand of a betrayer, or a dear friend….or both. _

_ A friend watched the light fade from a girl's eyes; hands pressed desperately over a bandaged wound. Two eyes that had never judged him, never hurt him, growing glassy and still. _

_ A man swept through the air, blades drawn in a dance of steel, defending two giants he had called friends/enemies/family. _

_ A lover stared into teary dark brown eyes. Surrounded by fear and agony. A smile, a promise, a kiss amidst pearly white tendrils of smoke- _

**_Jean_ **

The name felt foreign, yet familiar, the final piece of a puzzle; it just...sat there, stubbornly clinging to existence, willing itself to be seen.

With that name, there came light; the darkness ebbing and slipping away the longer he dwelt on those four letters. Slowly the sounds of battle, and the overwhelming heat began to abate. All of it slowly faded into the distance leaving Connie alone in silence. Slowly, he looked up.

Inches from his head, a ceiling of sheer glass spanned into infinity. Beyond that canvas of crystal, a sea of stars bloomed. Pinpoints of light, twinkling in various shades and intensities; as if Connie was staring at the universe as a whole. He reached up tentatively, his hand brushing the cool panel.

Almost as if by his touch, figures began forming, just above him. Just out of reach. As if coalescing from stardust itself, a crowd of people just beyond. A sea of faces with gentle smiles.

He saw Thomas, Franz, Mina, Hannah….god it had been years since-since they had all been together...the original 104th...at the Wall breach. The day reality had caught up to Connie. 

Petra and Hannes. Shadis and Mike. And so many others. Mentors and teachers who had entered and exited his life all too quickly or suddenly.

Samuel and Daz stood at the edges of the silent group, sadness and regret glimmering in their eyes. Also a part of the 104th-

A ship. An order. An explosive. A shot. Their bodies cooling underneath him, sinking into salty waves to never be seen again.

They were dead...dead because of Connie; slayed by his hand to protect Armin-to protect the mission.

**_What was the point of any of it...why did we have to suffer this way..._ **

Three figures pushed to the front. A tall man, with sharp eyes the same color as Connie. His hands rested comfortably on two small children who waved with innocent abandon, their mouths silently forming words that Connie couldn’t hear.

Sunny.  Martin.  Dad.

Connie’s throat clenched, as the world spun. To see them after so long...just beyond his reach...his heart thrummed wildly in his chest, a rhythm of desperation breaking the silence of this world he embodied. His palms lay even with the barrier, pushing with all his might to the unyielding gate.

**_If I could just say goodbye...please...to say I love you....so they would know! Dad! I love you! You helped me become the man I am today-I...I miss you so much...please...Sunny-Sunny you would have grown up to be such a beautiful young woman, you had your whole life ahead of you-Martin! I love you so much Martin please, please know how much I love you all...please...Mom-_ **

But his mother wasn’t there. And he began to realize with a thrill of finality settling atop him like snow, a soft and subtle crushing thrill of realization. Titans...titans continue to walk the earth-exist until killed...they were trapped. He and his mother...locked into a prison of violent flesh until put out of their misery.

Martin and Sunny were kneeling down on the glass just above. Sunny smiled all the wider, her eyes crinkling at the sides. Martin’s head cocked as if deep in thought. Abruptly, he reached out with his pointer finger and quickly tapped the glass three times in succession.

All those years ago, that was a code. On quiet nights, whenever Martin had trouble falling asleep, he would tap three times on his bedroom wall. And Connie in the next room over would always respond with three more; a soft connection of reassurance to his brother.

Connie raised a trembling hand to meet Martin’s. 

_ Tap. Tap. Tap. _

Martin’s face exploded in peals of laughter, of which Connie could not hear. How he longed to hear that squeaky peal of laughter, or the low hum in his father’s throat when he sang after supper. Of his sisters incessant questions about trees and birds and walls and life and-

And they were gone.

They were all gone save for two figures, crouched down right above his head.

A head of pitch black hair, a warm smile embedded beneath a sea of soft freckles.

Soft brown hair in a simple ponytail, wide eyes and a cheeky grin.

Connie screamed their names; he invoked heaven and hell, and everything in between in pure silence. Promises, threats, bargains and pleas made to no-one and everyone. He pounded the barrier separating them, an unyielding separation. If anything but to show what he felt for these two.

There were tears in their eyes. 

Sasha gently cocked her head to the side and nodded. Another unspoken habit or rule. No words were needed. They had been so close for so long, they had all-but developed a secret wordless code they could share between one another. This nod. It had always meant two things:

_I know_ _I’m here_

  
  


Marco merely rubbed the mirror experimentally, as if trying to devise a solution that would break this barricade, his eyes furrowed in concentration. After a few minutes, he locked eyes with Connie and gave a sad shrug, his eyes conveying both pain and affection. His palms rested on the glass, the slightest trembling in the knuckles.

“Few regain themselves in this state.”

The words were delivered soft and airy, but felt like a gunshot tearing through the quiet of this domain. Connie spun in alarm, searching for the voice. 

“There are still things I have yet to learn it seems.”

A small girl with long silver hair stood a few feet from him. A heavy wooden bucket clutched in her muddied hands. Her eyes were pure white, pupils of pure light. She stared intently at the soldier.

Connie could suddenly hear himself again, gasps of air rushing into his lungs. “Wh-who are you?” The words felt unfamiliar; sloughing off his tongue, ringing in the quiet.

The girl laughed, a low silvery note that sent shivers down Connie’s spine. “I’ve gone by many names...you may call me Ymir.”

Connie gave a shaky incredulous laugh...Ymir, the beginning of all of this. The Founding Titan. And yet even when faced with someone like this-

“I had a friend named Ymir! She...was kind of a pain in the ass.” The words had left Connie’s mouth before he had even realized.

The girl paused, almost taken aback at Connie's candor before she laughed again, wholehearted and genuine. Her lips pulled back to suck in air over bright white teeth, and a tongue ominously missing half of its length. Connie simply watched, confusion and caution etched over his face.

Eventually her chuckles quieted and she knelt, pulling a fistful of mud from the bucket. She began shaping it, her fingers gliding across the clod of earth, stretching, pulling, slicing. For a few minutes the only sound was the soft  _ squelch _ of mud being plied into shapes.

Finally Connie found his voice again. “Wh-where am I?”

“In-between,” The girl said calmly. In the distance there was a clanging sound, like a hammer striking an anvil.

“In-between what? Am I….trapped here?” Connie stuttered.

Ymir didn’t answer at first, eyes squinted intently at her masterpiece. Within moments she had sculpted the clay effortlessly into a figurine. She held it out, offering it to him. Connie hesitantly reached out and grasped it.

It was him.

From muddied earth, the girl had transformed it into a work of art; immaculately detailed. He could see his signature hairstyle, drawn smoothly across his head. His eyes furrowed in a look of rage, but the pupils dim and despondent. Ridges of exposed veins in his cheekbones, pulled muscle and sinew at his jaw-

This was him. 

She had sculpted  **his** Titan. 

His eyes widened in horror and disgust. Connie wanted to fling it away, to smash it to pieces. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t fling something away that  **was** him.

Ymir watched in silence, as Connie’s hands trembled. “Very few witness the making,” she said matter-of-factly. “Something...or someone is drawing your focus. Something powerful.”

Connie stared at Ymir, this...girl....or goddess was the sculptor behind all the madness of this world. And yet, nothing about her gave any indication of malice or hatred. Simply a pure and simple curiosity. It would have been easier if she was bubbling over with hatred. It would be easier to rage and cry at something fully evil. But this...

Ymir picked up her bucket and turned it over, tapping the bottom expectantly. When nothing came out, she gave a short sigh. “It won’t be long now.” She pointed at Connie with one dirty finger. “You were my last creation. You were fun to work with.” 

There was another clang in the distance, louder this time...sharper. A shifting at the corner of his vision caused Connie to raise his head. The stars were beginning to combine miles above the ceiling. Streams of light swirling into a focal point of pure radiance, the size of a cannonball.“What won’t be long now? What do you-”

“Everything you were...or are...everything you felt,” Ymir mused to herself dusting off the edges of her simple tunic. “It was genuine. Passionate. Bright. I think the world will need more of that. Or this...Jean you think of.”

A crack formed on the pane directly above their heads, miniscule and tiny. Connie didn’t even register it, as he unconsciously clutched the effigy of himself close. “Please...what’s going to happen? To me? To Jean?”

Ymir’s fingers softly danced atop the rim of her bucket, a lazy waltz of moving digits. “I’ve learned much of what love truly is today from you and your friends. To some, it’s a willingness to fight for others. Or to sacrifice your life or your happiness to protect what matters most. Facing fear and death and still caring for others up until the end.” Her eyes darkened for a moment at her own musings. “I wish….I wish I had been able to experience those things.”

Connie opened his mouth, but Ymir raised a finger, gesturing to the glass ceiling. It was beginning to vibrate, a low hum as more cracks began to appear; a patchwork of shattering calligraphy. The orb of light was now the size of an airship, the cosmos swirling above their heads continually feeding more stars into its body. 

Ymir looked up in interest, as if viewing a particularly beautiful sunrise. “The time of Titans is finally coming to an end. The Paths...it’s all closing now.” She shook her head in bemusement. “A chance to rest at long last.”

The hum continued to grow in intensity, the glass sagging under an invisible weight, creaking and groaning. Connie gazed pleadingly at the young girl. “I don’t...I’m just a soldier...please, I don’t understand-.”

“-Not just a soldier.” Ymir said, quietly cutting him off. “To some, you are an enemy. In others, family, or a confidant. And to one, you are simply...love.” 

  
  


Connie opened his mouth to ask for clarity, or an explanation, but no words would come, and he merely let out a confused laugh. Ymir smiled broadly and pointed towards Marco and Sasha. They were almost indiscernible against the blinding light that filled the sky above, silently waving at the two of them. “You’ll see them again someday. All of them.”

Connie hardly registered Ymir’s comment. Every instinct of his was screaming to run, to hide, to prepare for the breaking of this glass ceiling. Without thinking, he reached out to Ymir. “What about you...do you need help? Will you be...ok?”

Ymir’s eyes widened in surprise, almost drawing back from Connie’s outstretched hand. Then a simple smile brightened her face. She grasped Connie’s hand and shook it warmly. “You really are a rare one, Connie Springer of Ragako Village. Our time together was short. But I don’t think I’ll ever forget you.” 

She turned and began walking into the distance, the bucket handle tucked comfortably into the crook of her arm, bouncing slightly with each step. She looked back and waved, just as the barrier exploded. A sea of glass fragments, illuminated by the blinding light descended towards Connie-

“Never stop loving.”

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 138 messed me up in a big way. Attack on Titan is the first fandom I joined and the first that I ever wrote fics for. I have to give props to Vesuvian for their touching piece, as well as the tiktok work of ispyque and liiionor. Their art/music choices on TikTok broke me but also inspired me to create something. I may add a chapter or two to this, but this is the chapter I most wanted to capture.
> 
> If you're not done crying, I also made a little playlist for Jean and Connie you can find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0T7j68GECzALiAp6sM4oPn?si=_6V5OYGkRz6SdmtMX0kpzw


End file.
